Mikey Vader

Against my better judgement I’m posting this, I wrote it after a bottle of wine a few weeks ago, but it’s been on my mind.  It’s honest.  It’s about love and life and how I see those things now.  

“From the bottom of a bottle of wine I realize how happy I am at the end of this first week of this new year. I got off of work Friday morning after a long night shift and in reminiscence of the journey my life has taken me through (MEANING every aspect of it, especially nto the last few years of nursing school, and all of the trials and tribulations along the way, to where I am now in my dream job), I had quite a few tears of joy flowing. I remember when I didn’t think any of that was possible and I was ready to give up so many times.

Along the way over just the past couple of years I had been tried and tested in quite a few ways, but none were tougher than relationships that did anything but help me grow. Or so I thought, as I look back on them and see what I actually have learned from them.  I was guilty of what annoys me most about some of my friends now, dating people just for the simple fact of wanting to be with someone.  If I could go back, I’d have snatched every red flag I noticed from those assholes early on and waved them high and dismissed them.  I’m not bitter, just a shit ton wiser.

(Sidenote: In a sense, this is an open letter to a few people; however, I don’t think any of them will ever read my blog, but I will happily guide them here.  It’s human nature to want to find a mate, but it’s this greater power that teaches us not to settle and to find that thing that makes us complete. One red flag after another some of us allow anything to go down and just continue on.   It’s when we realize this trend and it’s effect that we grow and stop allowing it to happen. Why is this so infuriating to me?  Because I know some amazing people who give up so much of themselves in order to be “happy” but they really aren’t.  And that taught me about being wary of peoples bullshit and red flags in particular.  

So anyway, some people just go, go, go, and never really take a minute to stop and put it all into perspective…

(Sidenote #2:This is also a shout out to those who don’t see the difference between short term and long term happiness. To quote Bright Eyes from one of the most romantic songs ever, “First Day of My Life”, I must say, “I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery.”  Why the fuck do we invest so much into people just because it “kinda” feels right, just because we’re caught up in that “honeymoon phase”.  I mean, the only time it’s love is when the honeymoon phase is over, and we’re sure it’s not just infatuation, and we realize, “Shit, I want to be with this person despite all of the bullshit I’ve learned this far into it.”)

So any-fucking-way. You can’t have a good relationship unless you’ve seen a good relationship and really know what it is. You never really know if something was love or infatuation or just plain something to kill the time until you have truly had the time to think about it. My last few relationships taught me all of that. They taught me that most of the relationships around me were bad ones, where someone was either always in charge, in a sense, or that the two people were only together to fill their spare time (that’s called friends, kids—but I guess you were both just horny at the same time, it’s awkward looking back and thinking that isn’t it). Why do we do that to ourselves and when do we stop the cycle? Or am I answering that right now for myself by saying, I’m not doing it again. I’m not investing myself or my time into someone just because I want to cuddle at night and have guaranteed plans on the weekend, only for it all to go into flames and …  FUCK THAT NOISE!  

(Sidenote #3:  I’m in no way proclaiming celebacy here; or being opposed to dating.  What I’m saying is that, from here on out, slow and steady wins the race.  It just makes sense to me now)  What’s funny is, everything that I’m saying here is the same thing that I thought as a younger me.  The young dreamer, that was hopeful and not yet bitter, jaded, or hurt and carrying years of relationship baggage.  When I was 18 or maybe younger, and wanting to fall in love for the first time, this is how I felt about it.  It’s like it’s inherently inside of us all along, we just run away from it after we get hurt, but what’s really happening is life is teaching us how to handle it and enjoy it along the way and when we get there, if we get there, because NOT everyone will get there (attention those who settle along the way) IT IS GOING TO BE AMAZING!!!!

I believe in love. 

I want something that fills me to the core so that the fact that I’m in a relationship is only second to the fact that the rest of my life is on the right track and the thought that I’m number one to someone else is NEVER in question. So that when I’m really sharing my time with a person, it is me giving all of me, to the best of my ability, because when you think of LOVE and sharing your life with someone, why would it ever be any less? It breaks my heart to see so many friends moving in with people that they “love” but as their friend I know that they are so completely fucking unhappy. I mean when does it end? Eventually one of them will die in their 50’s or something and they’ll be like— “Wait, WTF did I do here? I was so unable to see beyond the need to be with someone, that now I’m alone and wow, my life has passed me by.” It sounds morbid, but it’s fucking true and it’s depressing.

I hate the very thought of it.

I’ve learned that to be whole, my whole being needs to be empowered to want to grow and love and I need that freedom to do so and want to share that with someone else that feels the same way. A true partner.  

I’ve learned this about myself through my life’s lessons, and as of late, through my job. I’m an ICU nurse.  I see lives changed in a matter of minutes for patients and their families and I’ve learned the value and importance of life and love and just what it takes to make me feel at home in my skin and whole in my heart at the end of the day. The other reason is that I’ve learned that in my family there is a great deal of difficulty in dealing with grief.  My aunt passed away a few years ago and my uncle is still extremely shaken by her loss and honestly, I don’t know how he is still here himself.  He barely has the ability to function in everyday life despite a lot of outreach and it’s heart breaking.  Mainly because they shared a very happy life together, he just never prepared himself on the fact that nothing is forever.  Then again, their love is forever, which is beautiful, I just wish he had the ability to handle it better, because he deserves to be at least somewhat happy while he’s alive and not spending all of his time saddened because she is no longer here.

I’ve learned that no matter how perfect life is, you always ONLY have yourself in the end. Again, this may sound morbid, but it’s reality (unless you were to pass first, but wouldn’t you want a parter that could go on without you and not be wrapped up in misery). When we seek someone to share our lives with, it’s really that. Our lives. We’re eventually going to get older, less attractive and well … we are going to need that other person to be someone that despite all of that, that we want to be around. That we not only WANT to talk to, but NEED. Someone that helped us grow in this journey of life, that we appreciate and respect. That we truly always want to be there, so when the time comes and they’re not, we respect the role that they played in our lives. 

I guess the reason that I’m writing this is for me to look back at to remind myself of where I stand, because we all get weak at times.  Life is truly very, very, short. There is so much love and joy to experience, you just have to have faith and believe in it.

I need to wrap this up. The moral of the story here. Don’t settle. Don’t give up on your dream life because you’re tired of waiting or you’re bored with looking. I’M NEVER FUCKING BORED. There are so many things in this world to experience.  Get a fucking hobby and share that hobby with someone else that loves it, who knows who you’ll meet along the way.

And while you’re at it, go out and fall in LOVE. FALL IN LOVE. That love that you wanted when you were 15 or 16 and thought you knew what love was, that you gave up on in your 20’s, because everyone just wanted sex, and you went from boyfriend to girlfriend to this to that, and think you are settling for now, stop settling and rethink it all. Find that LOVE, that romantic, mysterious, scary, but amazing LOVE that you know exists.  It might not happen today, it might not be right next door, but it’s out there and that is the challenge that life has given us. Find that love that makes you look back on your exes that hurt you and realize they were lessons and you forgive their stupidity because, they were learning too, and move on.  It’s out there.
Forget the past, forget the scars, and push every motherfucker out of your face along the way that isn’t contributing to the better of your well being.

Marry your best friend and never look in the rear view mirror.

As for me, I’m going to do just that. I know what I want and I’m going to live the grandest life possible and that’s a promise. I’m going to be just fine.

I should have been asleep an hour ago. I really like Pinot Noir. G’nite.”